- Gentlemen, that reminds me....
Radar Pages Humour
Gentlemen, that reminds me....
(Or,
Pull up a sandbag lad, I wanna tell you a story!)
We all have a tale to tell; the pathos, the agony, the humour of working with radar, life in the services, odd assignments etc. If you have something we can all get a laugh from please send it in and I'll post it up here.
Enjoy....
1:1 In the Beginning God created Radar.
1:2
And the Radar was without form, and void; and darkness [was] upon the face of
the PPI. And the Spirit of God moved upon the Circuit Diagrams.
1:3 And God
said, Let there be a Power Supply: and there was a Power Supply.
1:4 And
God saw the Power Supply, that [it was] good: and God divided the Power Supply
with an On/Off switch and a Light which was often in darkness.
1:5 And God
called the Light “On”, and the darkness he called “Off”. And the ”On/Off”
switch and the Light was the first day.
1:6 And God said, Let there be Wiring
in the midst of the system, and let there be Dividers to control the potentials.
1:7
And God made the Wiring and the Dividers: and it was so.
1:8 And God caused
the potentials to be divided and the wiring to carry current. And the evening
and the morning were the second day.
1:9 And God said, Let there be Magnetrons
and Klystrons and let Modulators appear.
1:10 And God commissioned the Transmitter:
and God saw that [it was] good.
1:11 And God said, Let there be Receivers,
the Logarithmic Amplifier, [and] the circuits yielding the Waveforms of
every kind upon the earth: and it was so.
1:12 And the Receivers brought
forth Signals, [and] Waveforms of every kind, and the Logarithmic Amplifier
did not saturate: and God saw that [it was] good.
1:13 And the evening and
the morning were the third day.
1:14 And God said, Let there be Targets in
the firmament of the heaven day and night; and let them be for Defence,
and for Reconnaissance, Attack and for Cargo, and Passengers:
1:15 And
let them be illuminated by Radar in the firmament of the heaven to give
light upon the PPI: and it was so.
1:16 And God made two great Systems; the
greater system to give Early Warning, and the lesser system to make the Intercept:
[he made] the Navaids also.
1:17 And God set them to shine into the
firmament of the heaven to give light upon the PPI,
1:18 And to rule over
the day and over the night, and to track the Aircraft in the darkness: and God
saw that [it was] good.
1:19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth
day.
1:20 And God said, Let the Vendors bring forth abundantly the components
that make Radar life, and [that which] may illuminate above the earth in the
open firmament of heaven.
1:21 And God created great Antennae, and every
component that moveth, which the Vendors brought forth abundantly, after their
kind, and every winged aircraft after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good.
1:22
And God blessed them, saying, be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the PPI with
targets, and let targets multiply on the PPI.
1:23 And the evening and the
morning were the fifth day.
1:24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth
the living creature after his kind, Technicians, and Mechanics, and the Scope
Dopes of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
1:25 And God made the Technicians
after his kind, and Mechanics after their kind, and every Scope Dope that creepeth
upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good.
1:26 And God
said, Let us make Officers in our image, after our likeness: and let them have
dominion over the Technicians and the Mechanics and over all the earth,
and over every creeping Scope Dope that creepeth upon the earth.
1:27
So God created Officers in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him;
male and female created he them.
1:28 And God blessed them, and God said
unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue the
Other Ranks: and have dominion over the Systems, and over the Aircraft of the
air, and over every living thing that moveth around the Station.
1:29 And
God said, Behold, I have given you every kind of Radar, which [is] upon the
face of all the earth, and every Vendor, in which [is] the fruit of a factory
yielding equipment; to you it shall be for meat.
1:30 And to every Technician
of the earth, and to every Aircraft of the air, and to every Scope Dope that
creepeth upon the earth, wherein [there is] life, [I have given] every
kind of system for meat: and it was so.
1:31 And God saw every thing that
he had made, and, behold, [it was] very good. And the evening and the morning
were the sixth day.
2:1 Thus the Radar Systems and the Personnel were finished,
and all the host of them, but God did not rest......
2:2 And on the seventh day God had to fix the Radar for it had gone faulty.
Phill Holmes (ex 219 entry at RAF Locking) sends us the following tit bit for our amusement!
Which reminds me of the time I was working in Saudi a few years ago. The Air base we were attached to had a squadron of stealth fighters based there which were rotated on a regular basis. As a new squadron approached the leader called the ATC controller to give his position. To which the controller, an American, responded with "Rodger, we have you on primary radar", you could see the jaws of the pilots drop at 30,000 feet. and hear the disbelief.
Thanks go to Richard Gatenby for sending me these gems:
These are real extracts from appraisals (character assassinations).
Notes for civvies reading this: Appraisals consist of various
text boxes against which comments are made by
Reviewing Officers (RO) followed
by a promotion recommendation:
HRec = Highly Recommended
There are 3 Reporting Officers (1st 2nd and 3rd) in an individuals reporting chain. Individuals are identified here by rank and trade only (you do not need the details to appreciate this).
DOWNRIGHT FUNNY
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"However he maintains a good level of physical fitness by frequently walking his hyperactive dog".
3rd RO on Jnr Tech MUSN
"Jnr Tech ****** quietly gets on with his work without blowing his own trumpet".
3rd RO on Chf Tech Eng Tech EL
"Chf Tech ****** does not suffer fools gladly - he should show more tact when the fools are at a higher rank".
CURIOUS STATEMENTS/CONTRADICTIONS
1st RO on SAC ASOP
"A family illness recently caused her Falklands detachment to be cancelled and to her credit she never allowed her personal problems to interfere with her service commitments".
2nd RO on FS A Eng Tech
"He helps to maintain his high fitness level through badminton, swimming and chasing tradesmen around the hanger".
1st RO on SAC/A/Cpl RAFP
"Whilst not a particularly good NCO I believe he has the potential to have made an excellent officer".
2nd RO on Cpl Pers Admin
"His confident attitude and open humour made him a popular
individual who
had a refreshing attitude to life and an open adoration for
Cilla Black, which I could never understand".
2nd RO on SAC ASOP
"SAC ****** has day dreamed his blissful way through another year of disembodied euphoria. Unruffled, easy going, un-resentful, unhurried, he drifts his quiet way through days and nights of shifts leaving barely a ripple".
SUMMING UP AN INDIVIDUAL IN ONE SENTENCE
1st RO on SAC MTD
"He has given the me impression of being an experienced mountaineer who has settled for climbing Ben Nevis when he could quite easily conquer Everest".
1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"Under pressure SAC ****** tends to take the bull by the throat rather than by the horns".
2nd RO on SAC Chef
"His laziness and low standards of work have alienated the majority of his work mates to such an extent that being on shift with him is seen as a punishment".
1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech EL
"Cpl ****** is as frustrating as a firework that refuses to ignite".
1st RO on SAC Std
"He is the most evenly balanced Steward on the Station, he has a chip on both shoulders".
2nd RO on Sgt Eng Tech AV
"A keen angler who would rather catch fish than try to out drink them".
OUTRIGHT INSULTS
1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"SAC ****** is a cheerful young man with a pleasant smile and co-operative manner. At this point his good qualities cease".
1st RO on Sgt RAFP
"His contribution to the Sqn is minimal, on his good days he makes up the numbers. He has been sick for some time and we are investigating the possibility of having him posted 'non-effective', which is also an accurate description of him when he is here".
1st RO on SAC Std
"In my opinion the best contribution he can make to the Royal Air Force is to leave".
1st RO on SAC Supplr
"Frankly SAC ****** is useless, there is no other way to say it".
POOR ENGLISH
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"He swims and cycles to work to keep himself fit" (at Brize Norton).
1st RO on SAC FFTR
"To conclude, SAC ****** has decided to terminate his life and career within the RAF for employment with the police force".
On which the 3rd RO comments:
"Contrary to the 1st RO's belief, SAC ****** wishes to terminate his RAF career, not his life".
1st RO on Cpl Med Admin
"He is single, but is in a stable relationship with a 3 year old daughter. He therefore lives off station in his own house".
1st RO on Cpl Pers Admin
"She has provided much needed stiffening to the section during the tours of two unremarkable SNCOs".
1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech AV
"Cpl ****** has been involved in arranging for the care of his father who is recently deceased".
NOT ATTRIBUTED
Hopefully he will mature into an engineer, but at this time the best description of him is a well spoken twit.
He has made no secret of his ambition to one day becoming commissioned, with a preference for the admin branch.
Her typing, whilst energetic, will keep the makers of Snopake happy for a long time.
SAC ****** is still immature and, at times, a scruffy airman, however, it is hoped that his recent marriage will offer him some sense of responsibility and someone to do the ironing.
1st RO - The club he runs recently raised money for a local disabled person to have an electric chair.
In his established post he only has to supervise the work of one Group Captain.
As a character Chf Tech ****** is rather rotund in appearance and is apt to produce rude noises from either end of his frame, at regular intervals.
..... and particularly irksome is his use of "10-4" in place of the more acceptable "yes, sir".
He leaves the service this year which should allow his supervisors,
various members of the admin staff and the investigation branch to return to
normal duties.
Jnr Tech ****** is an active member of the station Tai Kwon Do club, and can often be seen leaping around the station in his pyjamas.
He is employed as a VDU operator. He spends most of his time operating a VDU.
He must, as a matter of urgency, learn to control his tendency, when off duty, to attack RAF policemen.
...... his character is about as dynamic as a feather pillow.
****** has developed the knack of ensuring that most personnel on the squadron who have any dealings with him for more than 15 mins at a time, would happily use him for target practice on the rifle range.
His woeful _expression gives him the air of a cocker spaniel who has just received bad news.
In a year that has had her re-married, posted and given a totally new piece of equipment to work with, SACW ****** has come out of it reasonably well.
A beer drinking, swashbuckling, full member of the Air Force, the kind you would select when the going gets tough ****** has been very useful in teaching our new recruits the ins and outs of service life.
This was confirmed with the originator, whose further comment was: She's a real man".
Unfortunately Cpl ****** is less reliable than his dog.
SAC ****** has been what a haemorrhoid is to a human from the start of the course. He also found himself pitch forked into the Officers Mess where he was up against some very cute cookies.
3rd RO. Cpl ****** biggest problem would seem to be his inability to ignore a pretty female face! While I admire his sentiments, he is frequently distracted from his primary task and this is reflected in his numerical assessments and promotion recommendation. If he does not respond to counseling, we may have to resort to bromide in the tea!
3rd RO. Generally very sensible in his outlook, he has been involved in a few bizarre incidents, mainly associated with beer and bicycles, which have resulted in him sustaining some personal injuries. I'm glad to report that such incidents are becoming far less frequent, mainly because he now shows a more reasoned and consistent judgement, but also because people are less prepared to lend him their bicycles.1st RO. SAC ****** has the uncanny knack of pulling the wool over his superiors' eyes by giving them the opinion he knows what is going on around him.
3rd RO. ... and established himself, in the eyes of his superiors, as the most competent aerial erector in the flight.
1st RO. His ability to empty a crewroom, merely by being there, usually after a meal of curry or beans, could be a disadvantage in a staff post.
Sgt ****** remains on good terms with his first wife, has acrimonious dealings with his second and appears happily married to his third. The numerous offspring further complicate matters.
He can show a kindness and tact when necessary but can equally turn a transgressing airman into a pillar of salt (or jelly) at 100 yards. He has frightened me, as a casual observer.
SAC ****** is tall, blond and handsome; every mother's dream of an ideal son-in-law. The trouble is that he doesn't differentiate between mothers and daughters.
2nd RO. He does his best but needs more practice at being "beastly to the troops".
1st RO. He is a keen supporter of York City but manages to stay cheerful during the football season.
1st RO. It is difficult to comment about ******'s supervisory abilities as he has only one subordinate on the unit, whom he dislikes working with and avoids socially.
******'s appetite for adventure and physical exertion fully justifies his nickname "Rambo".
I can see little hope in Cpl... progressing any further, short
of a major
outbreak of hostilities, culminating in a high mortality rate.
WO ****** is a 9 to 4, as opposed to an 8 to 5 man, and the RAF will not miss him when he leaves - he has already retired.
F6442 NARRATIVE COMMENTS
These are actual comments made by Reporting Officers and were provided by the "Reading Cell" at RAF PMC. Although the Cell is now defunct, rumour has it that it is about to be reintroduced.
Cpl Spplr (2nd RO)
"He is not unintelligent, just somewhat stupid".
Cpl L Tech AD (3rd RO)
"In the short time I have known him, he has had a reputation for never being at work, being either on stand down or sport, or time off in lieu".
SAC Gnr (3rd RO)
"SAC ****** went through an unfortunate phase of rolling tanks over by being a bit too aggressive whilst driving them. Fortunately, he survived these experiences with only his pride dented - I wish I could say the same for the tanks".
Sgt Gnr (3rd RO)
"Sgt ****** will enjoy his forthcoming tour in Belize where there are lots of donkeys for him to talk the hind legs off".
SAC F'Man (2nd RO)
It would appear that SAC ****** wants to go from chrysalis to butterfly without the creepy-crawly bits in between".
SAC P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"Recently he was drinking late with a fellow clerk when he decided that his friend had had too much to drink - so he had him arrested by the RAF Police. I feel a more appropriate course of action would have been to take his friend home".
Jnr Tech A Tech A (1st RO)
"Jnr Tech ****** is, as far as the RAF is concerned,
an 'if only' case. If only he was interested - if only he was motivated - if
only he was involved. However, he does his job, albeit with more chasing by
his supervisors than
is normal. He will complete his service, leave with
a 'beer call' and people will think "oh yes, he was a good fellow".
Cpl (W) P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"When she is on her own her supervisory capabilities are more in evidence".
Cpl A Tech P (2nd RO)
"He is a tall, well-built Welshman who looks as if he could play rugby for his country; if not, at least he could chop down the trees used for the goal posts.
SACW AATC (1st RO)
"SACW ****** must be to the emancipation of womanhood what concrete is to flying".
Cpl P&A Clk (1st/2nd RO)
1st RO - "He accepts that he has no career prospects in the RAF and his sole ambition when he leaves the Service is to become a long-distance lorry driver; a lonely job for which he is well-suited. Alternatively, he should consider the quiet contemplative life of a Trappist Monk".
2nd RO - "I am pleased to see a slight improvement in Cpl ******'s overall performance since last year".
Cpl Supplr (1st RO)
"Cpl ******'s attitude appears to be one of setting himself a daily minimum workload target, then regularly failing to achieve it".
Sgt Pers Admin (2nd RO)
"He can at best be likened to a hoop - when being driven by a stick performs reasonably well, but when the stick is taken away, wobbles precariously to a halt".
Sgt Chef (3rd RO)
"Commenting on a couple who both have volatile temperaments, the husband with one view, the wife with another. I fear that the one whose aim with the saucepan is the better may win the argument.
SAC Supplr (3rd RO)
"A painfully quiet and withdrawn individual who would need a pedestal to stand out in a crowd. I fear he is destined to remain a drone".
SAC TCO (2nd RO)
"though it is unlikely he will ever become a 'hare', SAC ****** is nevertheless a steady and faithful tortoise".
WO A Tech P (3rd RO)
"WO ****** is magic. He has the wisdom and experience of his years, the energy of a 20 year old, and the subtlety of a flying house brick".
Cpl MT Tech (2nd RO)
"Cpl ****** may only be 20 years old but he is in effect a middle-aged hen-pecked husband".
Cpl Gen Tech GSE (3rd RO)
"Cpl ****** is awkward to talk to, and on occasions trying to get information out of him is like trying to get dead flies off a windscreen".
Cpl(W) AATC (2nd RO)
"When she arrived it was feared in some quarters that one so petite might have some difficulty in dealing with the hulking young men she was asked to supervise. She floats like a butterfly but can sting like a bee - in the nicest possible way".
Cpl A Tech P (3rd RO)
"I only met Cpl ****** once before his accident and it is difficult to assess someone in hospital, particularly when he is in an oxygen tent".
